The last post I wrote and published was exactly 6 days ago now and during these days, I have realized the importance of not taking a break. Not taking a break is about building momentum, it’s about riding that wave for as long as you can before it inevitably dies.
I’ve always felt weirdly unmotivated after I share my goals, doesn’t matter if it’s with my parents, friends or on a social media platform. I’m not sure why this is the way it is. It’s part insecurity and part impostor syndrome.
For example, yesterday, I posted a story to promote my blog on Instagram and immediately took writing yesterday’s post for granted and hence, didn’t post anything. I really want more people to closely follow what I’m up to. But at the same time, I don’t want anyone to look at these initial posts because they’re no good and I know that.
At the moment, I feel that if I hadn’t posted that story, I would’ve been better off mentally. I wouldn’t be worrying so much about what people think of me based on these crappy posts but rather thinking about writing another crappy post with the hope that I’ll get better with time.
Going forward, I’m going to try to find the sweet spot between promoting my work and still having the mental capacity to write bad posts without thinking about what other people think of me.
I’m a huge podcasts guy. I listen to them everywhere. When I wake up? Check. When I’m taking a shower? Check. When I’m driving? Check. Before I sleep? Check. And quite frankly, I wouldn’t be this big into podcasts if it weren’t for an extremely well-designed app: Pocket Casts.
It’s smooth, helps you discover more podcasts, is cross-platform AND also has dark mode!
But it wasn’t all because of Pocket Casts, it was also because I found great quality podcasts from the get-go and I’m going to mention some of my favourites below:
I remember the months leading up to my 10th-grade final exams. They were extremely stressful, not just because I had to prepare for my exams but because there was an underlying expectation that had gone unaddressed for a while.
I was expected to opt for science because in classic Indian parent fashion – “mera beta to engineer hi banega”. I remember responding to my parents’ questions regarding my preparation with a simple “they’re alright” all the time. I was confused.
I didn’t know what science would entail, neither commerce nor humanities. I didn’t know what I could be if I opted for science, other than becoming an Engineer, of course. Neither did I know what I could become if I had opted for commerce, nor humanities.
At 15 years of age, I was magically supposed to know about every single career choice that existed and act accordingly, even before I knew what I enjoyed doing after school. It is an extremely bad position to be in and the worse position to put your child in if you’re a parent.
It is important to not get into things you before you have all the facts in front of you and can make an educated decision. Not knowing what I wanted to do with my life, and still not knowing what I want to do with my life has helped me experiment. It has helped me explore different sides of myself and I’ve often found myself surprising myself.
So, as far as I’m concerned, it is okay to be confused. And it is important to normalize confusion. At least as far as life decisions are concerned. Especially at 15 years of age.
I’ve been out of school for about a year now and it’s been hard trying to develop a schedule. I don’t work. I freelance but not actively. And hence, I stay at home most of the time. I don’t really have any issues with staying at home but every once in a while, it gets to me.
I’d be lying if I told you that, while at home, I work to achieve my goals all the time. It gets really hard to focus without having a physical place to remind me what I’m working towards. Like, when you’re in school, you’re reminded of that you’re working towards scoring in your exams because you have to sit in numerous classes throughout the day. At home? You’re your own boss.
In August, if I remember correctly, I actively started trying to work on maintaining a schedule. Waking up in the morning, writing my goals in my diary while having breakfast, studying throughout the day and then going on a short walk with my brother. It worked.
It made me very happy until the day I fell out of it. It’s been a couple of weeks since and everything just seems to get harder and harder. Sleep schedule? Not on track. Study schedule? Not on track. Reading schedule? Not on track. It’s not like I’m not trying to get all of these things back on track, it’s just that being in the same physical space every day while trying to make changes that are mostly mental.
fine artnounplural noun: fine arts
- creative art, especially visual art whose products are to be appreciated primarily or solely for their imaginative, aesthetic, or intellectual content.
I’ve spent the better part of last month and a half writing essays for my college applications. A lot of these essays have been about why I want to attend a certain university and the backbone of these essays have been my desire to make informed art, art that doesn’t just exist for the sake of existing.
Throughout my time on Instagram, following all sorts of artists, I’ve learnt that being able to have an idea and executing it without a solid meaning behind it is not everyone’s cup of tea. And it most certainly isn’t mine.
But, at the same time, a lot of my photographs have been abstract street photos. A lot of them don’t have a meaning if you’re unable to imagine the subject’s emotions. So, even though they can technically be categorized under fine art, it’s still not art that exists for the sake of existing. It doesn’t allow you to go wild with your interpretations.
The Internet is vast. Millions of websites with hundreds of millions of pages and a lot of them, if not all them, contain knowledge you could acquire. It’s wonderful, for the most part, but in my experience, it can often be very intimidating.
I’ve found myself asking the weirdest of questions at the oddest of times.
“Is this the right way to do this?”
“What other skill could I acquire?”
“Do I have enough skills?”
All of these questions often leading to the monstrous “Am I good enough?”.
Usually, these intrusive thoughts pop in my head when I’m browsing a website.
For example, A couple of minutes ago I was browsing Reddit and I came across a painting.
A Caspar David Friedrich painting.
I looked at it for a few seconds and immediately thought “I want to learn how to paint like that so bad!”. But, at the same time, I don’t want to be the jack of all trades. I can’t be good at everything. Not in this lifetime.
In 2019, I want to work hardest on consolidating the skills I already have and discard those I don’t see myself using in the near future.
If I could paint like Caspar David Friedrich from the get-go, painting would be super fun, sure! But, as much as I hate to hear it, I’m never going to be able to paint like him, not without putting in 10000 hours into learning painting. What I could do instead, is try to be the best at one of my acquired skills. Not today, no, but surely, one day. One day.
Last year I made a list of things I wanted to achieve. One of the things on that list was that I wanted to blog regularly, but I couldn’t keep up. It wasn’t about not having enough ideas, it was about not realizing that what I put out did matter and hence, not executing any of them.
Now, after going riding through the wave that 2018 was, even though I care a lot about what people think, I know that I will not be able to write good, concise and articulate essays/posts without actually writing bad ones.
This is going to come out bad, really bad, and I’m okay with that because I know that at the end of this year, I will be able to write better.
Dead To Me by Whales &
Beverly Blues by Opia was my jam for November 2018!